The Rules that Govern "The Clothes"

If you’ve ever read The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants you’ll be able to relate to this column based on The Rules set forth that govern The Pants, which in this case, are The Rules that govern The Clothes. If you are confused, let me say this: You must know and abide by The Rules of The Clothes when school shopping with a 9- and 11-year-old.

Much like the book, The Rules are set forth by the Sisterhood – the aforementioned 9- and 11-going-on-15-year-old-that-has-much-more-fashion-sense-than-you-could-ever-have-just-ask-her. Some of The Rules are spoken, some are just understood, and apparently, others are secret Rules that the Sisterhood will never share lest you be able to pick out clothes in their absence. A big no-no.

I have been trying to decipher The Rules for several weeks and this is what I have come up with so far.

1. You must never shop at large department stores where there could be considerable savings. You must shop only at specialty stores where you can purchase The Clothes at full price.
2. You must never wear knock-off Clothes. For example, the fake Crocs that are $5 are not as good as the real things because, when placed under a high-powered microscope, someone might notice that the word ‘crocs’ does not actually appear.
3. You must never wear anything with lace because it is itchy and makes you look too nice. Buying jeans with holes and rips is much preferred.
4. You must buy at least one piece of clothing that your best friend has, but in a different color. If you can’t find said piece of clothing in your size, you must drive to every store in a 50-mile radius until you find it.
5. You must never wear a shirt with buttons on the chest. The buttons apparently feel funny and look even funnier. There will never be a time when they don’t look funny.
6. You must never wear a shirt with a collar. While seemingly normal people wear collared shirts every day, they are unaware of how much they bother your neck. Collars, simply put, stink.
7. You must never wear anything with any character references whatsoever. Any piece of clothing that even hints at a Disney princess, cartoon character or Strawberry Shortcake is for babies. Zac Efron clothing is not for babies.
8. You must never wear pants with an elastic waist as this is a certain indicator of dorkiness. Adjustable waistbands are okay unless you have to adjust them so much it looks like you have on pants with an elastic waist. In this case, you are back to being a dork.
9. You must keep some of The Rules secret; this way, when Mom thinks she has located something that meets all the criteria set forth in The Rules, you can throw her off course by simply smiling and rejecting her selection. Do not explain your reasons for the veto.
10. You must always abide by the Rules of The Clothes. Remember that parents will never fully understand The Rules which makes following them that much sweeter.

I don’t know about you, but The Rules really complicated the whole back-to-school shopping thing for me. And by “complicate” I mean they made it a dreadful, appalling, outrageously vile and ghastly experience that should only be undertaken if you are highly medicated or slightly intoxicated. Or both.

But I have to say that I do remember similarly torturing my mother. I think The Rules have changed a bit, but the game is pretty much the same. My girls are definitely at the age where they have strong opinions about what they wear, how they wear it, and when they wear it. They only need me when it comes time to pull out the wallet. My opinion is not as important as my credit card limit.

Despite knowing that this behavior is age appropriate, I still long for the days when they were toddlers and I could pick out a little matching set off the rack and stuff them into it. Those were the days when The Clothes were simply the clothes. And my shopping experience was slightly more enjoyable. But only slightly.