What's in Your Microwave?

Hey Pill Fans,

So I've been feeling a little under the weather for the past couple of days. Not really anything I can put my finger on...sort of achy, a headache, kind of weak. Nothing that is stopping me in my tracks but annoying all the same. And as most of you know, when Mommy isn't 100%, well things can get pretty "interesting" around the house.

I’m starting to feel better. And today, I have a better appreciation for myself. That’s right; I’m truly amazed at my own capabilities which have been brought to light by my deteriorating household that, in the course of just a couple of days, can quickly go from a well-oiled machine to a heap of smoldering ash.

As the congestion clears and I’m able to perform at my optimum levels, I’m discovering several missing items. In fact, I’ve decided to give you a quick rundown of some things you will not find around my house while Mommy is sick:

• A full roll of toilet paper, or a roll with any more than a square or two stuck to the cardboard that you can painstakingly peel off in a moment of desperation. No one in our household seems to know where we keep toilet paper or have the time (2.3 seconds) to actually place a roll on the holder.

• A carton of milk that has not expired. And while you are looking for said milk, you will get a whiff of the rotting tuna salad that should have been thrown out a week ago. No family member will make the connection that removing the tuna salad will eliminate the odor.

• Any dirty laundry in the hamper. Instead, it will be strewn across the floor in very imaginative, artistic presentations that will showcase the family’s creative side. Or at least that’s what they’ll tell you.

• An empty dishwasher. The appliance will be full of dirty dishes. It will not occur to anyone to turn it on because that would require putting detergent in a cup and pressing a button, which is way too much work when you could be using that button-pressing energy to download songs on your iPod. Instead, open and close the door regularly, checking to see if, by some stroke of luck or pure magic, the dishes are clean.

• A packed lunch. My children are under the impression that the lunch fairy sneaks in at night, after they’ve gone to bed, and packs their lunches and carefully places them in the appropriate back pack. When Mommy is sick, so is the lunch fairy. How odd.

• A made bed. If Mom doesn’t have the energy to remind them at least 387 times in a given day, they simply can’t remember that they are supposed to make their bed. It has been a long 24 hours since they were last asked – 387 times. Who can remember?

• A paid bill. Like the lunch fairy, the bill paying fairy seems to take the day off when Mom is sick. The electric company will have to wait until she is back on the job because there is no chance of anyone – under the best of circumstances – finding both an envelope and a stamp within the same day. If the lights go off, so be it.

• A signed permission slip. It is difficult to understand the complex instructions associated with this important document. Check here and sign below. Tricky.

Things are almost back to normal now. As the dust clears and I dig out of the piles of laundry and head to the grocery store, I ponder these important questions:

Will my family appreciate me more now?
Will my children understand how hard it is to run a household?
Will Kate Gosselin be kicked off of Dancing with the Stars?

I’ve concluded that the answers are no, definitely not, and probably - and I guess I’ll have to live with that. I’m going to go load up on toilet paper. And let me know if you have the name of a good lunch fairy.

By the way, have you ever noticed that you can tell a lot about a person by how clean the inside of their microwave is? Just a random observation.

Okay, time for Idol and DWTS...my guilty pleasures. Have a great night everyone.
Sue